


The Ten ConMan-ments

by Malteaser



Category: Alice (2009)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance, Wonderland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 17:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/751123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malteaser/pseuds/Malteaser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are rules for people in Hatter's line of work. Good thing he's never been one for rules, or he'd have to be very disappointed in himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ten ConMan-ments

**1) Be a patient listener (It is this, not fast talking, which gets a con man his coups.)**

Ratty was an inherently excitable fellow, whenever he foresaw a profit. When excited, he tended to babble; when babbling, he tended to let otherwise pricey information slip. So when he ran into his office with the aid of the spare key Dormie would hand out to those he knew Hatter would want to hear from, Hatter didn't do much more than nod encouragingly and remind him to stay off the grass. In this manner, he learned that Mock was back on the Teas (and trying to avoid buying them from him directly), the ratburger business was picking up (Hatter actually didn't care), and that the Suits were going to be increasing their patrols of the lake shortly (not the first he'd heard of it, but confirmation was nice).

There was also a bit about an Oyster called Alice who had apparently popped out of the water directly in front of Ratty, which was certainly interesting as well, albeit in a short-term sort of way. He gave to go ahead, and sat back in his chair to wait. After a moment's thought, he swiveled the chair around so that he was facing away from the door. It wouldn't do to look like he was waiting on this Alice, now would it?

**2) Never looked bored.**

She was afraid of heights. Of all the things to be afraid of in Wonderland, she was afraid of _heights_. It was- actually, now that he thought about it, it was understandable, in a weird sort of way. You could certainly die from falling off the side of one of these buildings; it was just a very inconvenient fear to have. You needed those heights to go anywhere in Wonderland, even the very subterranean where they were headed right now.

He held out his hand and told her to focus on him rather than the sudden drop, and was perversely glad that whatever else Alice might be -mistrustful, suspicious, acrophobic- she wasn't at all dull.

**3) Wait for the other person to reveal any political opinions, then agree with them.**

Dodo, he had no doubt, would help them. Not only was the rock on her finger a pretty hefty size, but helping Alice would be the political equivalent of spitting in the Queen's face, and he knew Dodo would be all for that. It was a shame, though, that he'd have to leave the two of them together: Alice was quite likeable, and Dodo was very much not.

Actually, truth of it was Dodo was pretty much the poster child for why you _shouldn't_ join the Resistance. You'd either end up a bitter misanthrope or have to work with a bunch of bitter misanthropes. Granted knowing the details of how the Queen held her power wasn't exactly pleasant, and even less pleasant was trying to lessen that hold, but that didn't quite cover the amount of vitriolic bile Dodo was liable to spew at any given moment.

"Who are all these poor people?" Alice asked.

Hatter leaned against the guard rails next to her, considering. On the one hand, Oysters were not likely to be chummy with royals. On the other, they had just met, and he really didn't know what she thought of the current government…

"They're refugees," Hatter replied finally. It was a bit of a risk, but… he did want her to know there were some decent people left in Wonderland. "People who don't want to live under the Queen's regime of quick fixes."

Alice nodded, looking mildly distressed on their behalf, and Hatter relaxed slightly. "We take them in and feed them as best we can. They wouldn't last long if the Queen knew they were here, though."

Maybe this Alice wouldn't look back on her Wonderland experience as a nightmare, now. He'd like that.

**4) Let the other person reveal religious views, then have the same ones.**

"Jesus Christ," Alice muttered as the old man backed away from the edge of the pit, muttering about a rope. Hatter frowned as he pushed himself into a sitting position. That was the fifth time he'd heard her same that name in as many hours. Her boyfriend's name was Jack Chase, right?

"Who is that?" he asked.

"Who?"

"Jesus Christ?" Alice suddenly looked chagrined, so he hurried to explain. "It's just, you keep mentioning that name, I was wondering why…"

He trailed off as Alice began to shake her head. "I don't even know where to begin. It's long and complicated and not something I actually know too much about."

"Then why are you-"

"I'm using it as a mildly blasphemous explicative," Alice said hurriedly, then frowned. "Except, the blasphemous part is missing because I'm Jewish and you're… from Wonderland."

"So just mildly explicative then?" Hatter suggested.

Alice nodded clearly relieved; then there was the crunch of footsteps from above them and the old man returned, tossing the vine over the side with a call of. "Ascend, you vagrants! Let's see what sort of vermin you are!"

"Sure, why not," Alice replied to them both, then began to climb up back up.

**5) Hint at sex talk, but don't follow it up unless the other person shows a strong interest.**

Alice had been careful not to let loose another "Jesus Christ" but he could tell that she really wanted to. He could feel her exhaustion mount as Wonderland took its toll. He tried to cheer her up, and when that failed, he tried to cheer them both up.

"Why don't you lean forward and let me body take the weight?" he suggested.

"Nope," Alice replied quickly- very quickly. "I'm good."

Hatter grinned, and suppressed a small pang of disappointment. Alice was technically still his client, and he did try to avoid getting entangled with those. No good could come of that- fun and pleasure, yes, but no good. Not the lasting kind anyway.

**6) Never discuss illness, unless some special concern is shown.**

Alice was mental. Absolutely out of her mind. Barking mad. She'd been dropped on her head as a babe. She was a few cards short of a full deck, and the cards she did have were overabundant in jokers. It didn't matter what euphemism he used, it all boiled down to the fact that _there was something wrong with her brain_ , and he wouldn't be able to rest until she told him what exactly it was.

Which meant that he'd have to break into the Casino- which also likely meant that whatever she had was catching. He'd thought about how the break into the Casino once of twice, but he'd never managed to come up with a plan he felt comfortable considering, until now. Not that he'd come up with a new plan, just that he was willing to consider the one he'd come up with earlier that hadn't involved domesticated Jub-Jubs.

Amazing how much simpler things seemed when you were suffering from some sort of mental breakdown, he mused, waiting impatiently for Charlie to saddle his own mount.

**7) Never pry into another person's circumstances (they'll tell you all eventually).**

It wasn't his business. It really wasn't his-

"Can't you see- he's using you!"

Well, as of now, Alice _was_ his business. With the Resistance having put a price on his head and his tea shop sacked that was a literal fact. She was the only client he had. It was his job and obligation to worry about her- to do otherwise would be downright unprofessional. Without her, he'd be… this line of thought was rapidly becoming too personal for his wellbeing, and for her tastes. Best put a stop to now while he still could.

**8) Never boast- just let your importance be quietly obvious.**

He'd been afraid to find her in the game rooms, but as it turned out there were definitely worse places they could have met. She wasn't attached to the floor and being drained of everything that made her Alice, although she wasn't exactly in a good spot either. He moved behind the nearest Suit, and dispatched him with a whistle and a punch. Alice disarmed the second one, and Hatter bent to retrieve his weapon. He checked it: it was loaded. Good- his plan to get Alice out of here safely now looked like it might work.

"I thought you were dead," Alice said, watching him. Her eyes widened as she took in his face, which wasn't exactly what you would call pretty at the moment.

"I'm fine! It's just some cuts and bruises," he assured her quickly. He wasn't quite lying, but she didn't need to know that he muscles were still cramping a bit from all that electricity the doctors had run through him.

Alice replied by unexpectedly throwing her arms around him. He blinked at the sudden unexpected affection, and returned the hug, a little dazed.

"Oh, that feels good," he murmured helplessly.

"I'm sorry for not trusting you," Alice said, pulling back.

Hatter couldn't have stopped smiling if he tried. "Do you trust me now?"

"Completely," she said firmly.

He might never stop smiling again. "Good. Come on let's get you out of here."

**9) Never be untidy.**

The Oysters were going to leave shortly, and Alice would be among them. He had no idea what to say to her. You're amazing? I'm sorry about your father? I can't begin to tell you how much your trust means to me?

Please stay? Let me come with you?

Nothing sounded right. Hatter stopped pacing, and caught his reflection's eye in the window. He grimaced, remembering Alice's horrified face. He should find a medic: they'd have something to wipe away the blood and make the swelling around his eye go down, at least. He still didn't know what to say to her, but at least he wouldn't look like he'd been jumped in an alleyway when he did it.

**10) Never get drunk.**

Alice had gone- after she'd hugged Jack, and he'd made an utter fool of himself, of course. He twisted the fabric of her jacket in his hands, considering his options. The front of his shop had likely been looted by now, but his office should be safe. His personal stash of tea, used to drug and bribe his way into information sources' hearts would be untouched. A little bit of Forgetfulness, some Peace, maybe a bit of Serenity…

He stole a glance over at Jack, who looked only slightly less miserable than he felt.

Well, that was decided then. Who needed that stuff when he had Hope?

He sidled over the where Wonderland's King Regent stood and asked "What would I need to do to follow her?"

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on "The Ten Commandments for Con Men", as purportedly written by Victor Lustig. You might not recognize the name, but you have heard of him: he's the man who sold the Eiffel Tower. Twice. I figure he and Hatter probably have a lot in common, up to a point.


End file.
